How to Be Instagram Famous

  1. Delete all your old pictures.

You are giving yourself a whole new life, a new identity, a new face, a new personality. So delete all those pictures with black and knobby knees, awful brows, bend-down-select clothes,shoes and bags, un-tushed background of mosquito nets filled with cobwebs and old, peeling painted walls, etc. Some of those old pictures are so terrible that they only got two likes out of pity.

  1. Your Profile Picture.

This is the first picture of you that the world will see so it must be fun, daring, glamorous and gorgeous. Getting the correct profile pic might require a trip to the studio. If you can’t afford that, borrow an iPhone or a Galaxy Edge or any big smart phone to take a selfie. If you can’t get to any of these phones, get ready to take thousands and thousands of selfies till you get the right picture, the right angle, the right face shape, the right smile, the right eye, etc.

Don’t be ashamed. Before you start, make sure your make-up is on point even if you have to spend more than three hours just carving your brows. If you’re hopeless at make-up, ask a friend who’s good in it. Borrow the lipstick if you don’t have a good colour. Your profile picture only requires a head shot so you don’t worry too much about clothes. Just wear a nice plunging tank top and you’re good to go.

Next, look for a tush background. Am not talking about a dusty mosquito net, a charcoal stained kitchen or a scattered room with bad lighting. I’ll advice you go to a really nice place like a cinema, a big mall, an expensive restaurant. If you can’t afford anything there, just go window shopping or pretend you want to use the rest room. Then look for a tush background with expensive tiles and beautiful chandeliers or brown wooden seats with red and white fluffy pillows. Don’t allow the name of the restaurant to be in any of the pictures. Your followers will just know that you’re pretending.  Look for a beautiful spot. Make sure you go with a friend with good steady hands. These expensive places usually have good lighting that’ll make your picture come out gorgeous or even professional.

Tip: don’t do the duck face. It’s old, tired and worn out. Just put a fierce expression on your face, a neutral look or innocent beauty. You know the faces that suit you the most. You may have to bring out the inner model in you and scream aaaaarggghh. Take tons of picture. The selecting part is the most important. You must check each picture carefully, assess the look in your eyes, the shape of your face, the background, photobombers, the lighting, etc. Make sure that you’re in a relaxed position so it looks like you’re at home (ode).

You can use a golden haze filter, just to give it that expensive glamorous effect.

  1. The Borrow-Line

Please and please, here you need bargaining skills. Make plenty friends so you can borrow nice clothes, designer labelled bags and shoes. Please make sure you borrow from friends who stay far apart from each other. If you borrow from friends in close circle, they will discover your secret and either embarrass you publicly or stop giving you things. So if you borrow the top from someone in rumuokwuta, borrow the trouser from someone in borokiri, the shoe from rumuomasi, the bag from oyigbo. Cast your net far and wide.

Tip: always return the things you borrow in good condition so you can keep borrowing. If you see the owner of the top coming, hide in the restroom till she leaves. Be very observant here.

  1. No Good Girl/Boy allowed here.

Now you’re going to toe the line of decency. Wear short and skimpy clothes but don’t be outrageously trashy. Post dope videos of you twerking, singing one Rick Ross song about having plenty cash or a rap line from Drake. Just make sure it’s a popular song so they think you are current. Posting videos help because they show your followers, the expensive places you visit. So anytime you enter a free ride in a big car, don’t waste that opportunity. Take videos and pictures.  Anytime you go to a hotel room, wear your casual but expensive pajamas, wrap your hair in pink hair band and sing a song, twerk, or rap. Anyone that suits you most.

Tip: A nose ring always helps here. Even if you can’t breathe, just mange. Take heart. After the pictures and videos, you can remove it but make sure your nose is not red so they don’t know that you have to remove it before you get home everyday.

  1. Don’t Beg Celebs to Follow You.

This is a big no/no. Remember you’re hustling now. You have to make it look like you’re friends with celebs. Show them that it’s no big deal to take a picture with Majid or Wizkid. This part is dangerous anyways. Here’s how to do it. Get information about celebs showing up in a public place like a premiere or an advertised visit to a restaurant.

Premieres and restaurants are better than concerts because of crowd issues. Dress to kill, stalk them at the event till you see an opportunity to ask for a picture. Make sure you’re smiling and holding the celeb with ease so they’ll think you do it everyday. Don’t hold them too close or too far. When posting the pic, use a carefree caption like “when @tiwasavage decides to turn up”. Just make it seem like you’ve been friends with them for ages.

  1. Be Active

Post at least five pictures everyday. Follow as many celebs as you can and comment on their pictures or send them direct messages. Don’t send nude pictures to any celeb. Sometimes the wire in their head will just flare and they’ll disgrace you publicly.

It’s a lot of work but remember, no good thing comes easy. Your hustle will succeed! Can i get an Amen!!!!

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